# Child-AI Relationship Observation Guide

Companion to [your child and AI: watch the relationship, not just the clock](/articles/children-ai-screen-time-and-relationship).

> None of the signals below is a diagnosis. Use this to decide whether a situation needs a
> conversation, a boundary, or a professional's involvement — not to conclude on your own that a
> child has an addiction or disorder.

## The five signals — log over several weeks

| Week of | Activity (what's discussed) | Attachment (how they refer to it) | Displacement (vs. friends/other interests) | Secrecy (hiding use or content?) | Recovery (mood afterward) |
| --- | --- | --- | --- | --- | --- |
| | | | | | |
| | | | | | |
| | | | | | |
| | | | | | |

## What each signal is actually asking

- **Activity:** Homework and casual questions are different from open-ended emotional processing or
  a persistent named persona. Ask directly: "what do you usually talk to it about?"
- **Attachment:** Tool language ("I asked it") versus relationship language ("she understands me,"
  a chosen name, defending its "feelings"). Track the trend, not one instance.
- **Displacement:** Compare time and emotional energy with the AI tool against time with friends and
  other interests now versus a few months ago.
- **Secrecy:** Occasional privacy is normal. A pattern of hiding the screen, using only at night, or
  denying use you already know about is the more specific signal.
- **Recovery:** Notice mood and behavior in the twenty minutes after a longer session — calmer and
  more capable, or more anxious, isolated, or seeking the same thing again immediately.

## Escalation checklist — get a person involved when:

- [ ] The child expresses distress, hopelessness, or self-harm thoughts, in any context — respond
      immediately; see [stop the chat and contact a person](/articles/stop-chat-contact-a-person).
- [ ] A sudden, sharp change in mood, sleep, or social withdrawal coincides with a change in AI use.
- [ ] The child becomes distressed, angry, or evasive specifically when AI access is limited or
      discussed.
- [ ] Secrecy or displacement signals are intensifying week over week, not a one-off.

If any box is checked, involve a school counselor, pediatrician, or mental health professional. This
guide is an observation tool for a parent, not a diagnostic instrument.

## A conversation starter, not an accusation

"I've noticed you talk to [the tool] a lot in the evenings — what's that usually about?"

Ask with genuine curiosity, and listen for which of the five signals shows up in the answer before
deciding anything.

## Privacy note

If you review chat history directly, do it with the child's knowledge as part of an open
conversation. Covert monitoring software damages the trust this whole framework depends on — see
[the family AI agreement](/articles/family-ai-agreement) for building shared visibility expectations
in advance instead.